I Can’t Take Anymore

I just…I’m bereft. I’m laying here sniffling in between sobs with huge tears rolling down my face and they just keep coming in waves.
First of all, I’m sick. I have an infection in my throat/sinuses–the last time I felt like this was nearly a year ago, just before my first miscarriage (hello ugly flashback). Dr. Angel is supposed to be my PCP so I called today (CD 4) and asked to see him for several reasons: 1. I’m sick 2. To begin injectables 3. I needed to know how to handle Mr. MLACS giving his specimen for the anticipated double IUI this cycle (with his frozen sperm) 4. I just needed to see him/speak to him to ask questions (like “can we do the IUI’s at 24 + 36 hrs precisely” and “what if this doesn’t work? what’s next?”) Dr. Angel is very hands-on (re: controlling). His nurse had NO clue what I was talking about (didn’t know if it was even possible to freeze sperm at the clinic where they do the SA) but she said she’d check–I figured they’d want 2 samples at least 24hrs apart to do a double IUI. Dr. A’s (clueless) nurse called me back after speaking to the clinic that does the SA’s and informed me it’s an extra $150 to freeze it (so $260 total) per sample AND that they require 24hrs apart and scheduled him Mon & Wed. Well, Mr. MLACS leaves Wed morning, so I asked why we couldn’t do Mon & Tues–24hrs apart. Dr. A’s nurse replied “well that’s what they told me had to be done”, and I asked for the # to the clinic to see if they were amenable to Mon/Tues. Called the clinic and Sara answered, very nice, and I explained my husband is leaving town but can do 24hrs apart. She cautioned me it may be a waste of $ but I explained his counts are off the chart even with only 24 hrs to replenish–good news was she said that he should only need to give one specimen then. Good thing, because we were moving all day today so it would’ve been insanely bad timing for him to leave in the middle. Nurse told me Dr. Angel doesn’t want to see me until CD7 to begin injections…

WHAT the WHAT?!!
The whole mf’ing point of skipping femara is to start injections early, I figured at least by CD5 (tomorrow) we’d start because the POINT is to recruit more follicles–my goal is 4 follies–to increase our chances. I’ve only been getting 2 follicles with his femara/bravelle protocol and I’m sick of him warning me about sextuplets–that’s highly unlikely….do you know what IS likely? That our money and precious drugs will be wasted because he’s not taking advantage and being aggressive with the injectables. I said CD7 seems late and “clueless nurse” said I could talk to Dr. Angel about it and she’d have him call me. And he didn’t call 😦

And I wonder so many things…I wonder if he’s sick of me. I wonder if he’s bitter that my friend who referred me broke up with his son (I know he’s bitter because he’s made some remarks about her–which I kept to myself–but I did tell her he seemed perturbed she wasn’t spending Christmas with them (pre-break-up) and I’m afraid maybe I’m caught in the middle of all this?? I’m feeling paranoid and insecure…what should I do? Dr. Angel is in posession of 10 vials of my bravelle (that is, if he didn’t use it on someone else–another fear of mine, that he’s stalling me because he gave away my drugs). But I’ve not informed him that my friend sent me her leftovers…what if I dosed myself for a couple days? And maybe showed up with 2-4 follicles beginning to take shape on CD7? I would feel awful keeping that secret. On the other hand, it would cost double to have an IUI at an RE’s office, so…I called Walmart to see if you need a script to buy syringes–you don’t.

All this anguish about how to proceed with no explanation from Dr. Angel, while I am sick with a throat infection (swollen glands, rotten smell, body aches, rosy cheeks, low fever–but no white spots), in the middle of moving for the 2nd time in 3 months (with DH’s truck in the shop)…and that old b*tch (OB) from my GI’s office called and flippantly informs me that my appeal (the one she took her sweet time to submit) for my Delzicol (UC meds) was DENIED. She didn’t care one damn bit. I was just floored. So we can’t recoup the $300 OOP we spent this past week and I’m going to have to start a new med and possibly get very ill before anybody will pay attention.

I’ve been off my Remicade now for 12 weeks thinking it might help me ttc (maybe it’s oversuppressing my uterine NK cells?) And I don’t even know if I can get back on it if I fall out of remission with these new meds I’ve never tried. Hell, maybe the problem is my elevated ANA’s and I should be taking prednisone to get/stay pregnant–I don’t think Dr. Angel will go for that though (one good reason to consult an RE). The prednisone would help my colitis too, “kill 2 birds with one stone” so-to-speak.

So here I am, floundering, and Mr. MLACS starts b*tching about the money for the IUI’s. And here’s the thing: we could ttc NATURALLY if his job wasn’t switching his schedule so he’s gone. I only agreed to this job because he said he’d be home during the latter half of the month (my fertile window). We conceived TWICE naturally and he’s pissed the Clomid & IUI’s w/injectables have yielded no return–who would’ve thought? Certainly Dr. Angel never prepared us for failure–he always talks about multiples! I wish Dr. A would’ve been more realistic with us about the possibility that it wouldn’t work the first couple of tries with IUI. Sure, DH doesn’t mind taking a cycle (or three!) off because he has his beloved career. BUT WHAT HAVE I GOT?! If not this?

I found the Penicillin I barely touched because I was pregnant and afraid to take it last February–then I miscarried anyway. I felt better within an hour of taking the meds, but creepy that this came up NOW (I would’ve consulted Dr. A if he would’ve seen me, but didn’t want to go to urgent care$). We went to dinner and it was tense, and after dinner we got in the car and I just started shaking and sobbing and I couldn’t breathe–basically a panic attack. It’s not “out of nowhere”. I’ve been sick all year. I’ve had 2 miscarriages and I didn’t cry I just dusted myself off and said “don’t cry, go get pregnant”, and…
I’VE GIVEN EVERYTHING I HAVE to the quest of getting pregnant and being a SAHM. I haven’t worked. I’ve postponed school (cant afford classes now with these IUI’s). I’ve given up weekends with friends and lived my life in a series of two-week-waits. I’m fat and sick and tired from miscarriages and now the hormones I’ve been taking the past few months. I’ve devoted my body, mind, and soul to this quest–and what do I have to show for it? I’m a mess. I’m childless. I’m fighting with my emotionally retarded husband. Seriously, he heard me crying and yelled at me “are you gonna talk or just stay in there and cry” in an accusatory tone. He dumped pillows on my lap in a passive-aggressive way and scared the cat (who was on my lap). He pointed his finger and said “I’m not jizzing in a cup so you’re just gonna have to wait til April (when his schedule changes)”. He’s upset and feels I’m blaming him so he’s picking a fight–meanwhile all I was doing was crying and lamenting my losses. He didn’t comfort me. He didn’t say “We’ll keep trying” or “I hate to see you so sad”…he said “you’re overreacting” and “I’m not made of money so we won’t do whatever it takes”. I could hear him crying in the other room. And I feel like he’s a coward. And I feel like it was MY TURN to be comforted. And why can’t he be an adult about these things instead of being a bully and then acting like a victim?

And most of all: WHY aren’t we pregnant?
Why?……….. And have I wasted my life and my love on a dream that will never come true and a man who doesn’t have it in him to fight for it WITH me (not AGAINST me)…??? I know he cares but when the going gets tough he regresses to an angry child–finger pointing, mocking me, and contradicting everything I say nonsensically.

I feel empty but the tears keep coming.

35 thoughts on “I Can’t Take Anymore

  1. Oh no, I wish there was something I could say that could make a difference. It sounds like you’re having a really tough time and it is made much harder when you aren’t being supported by your husband and you doctor/care team. I’m not surprised you feel overwhelmed, I would be a mess. I hope that your sickness passes soon and you’re able to address each issue individually to try to lessen some of the pressure coming from different sides. Are you able to talk to Dr Angel? I know that he isn’t a therapist but you are paying him to provide a service and if you don’t feel that you’re getting the right level of support (for example, he should call you back when he is supposed to/he should have agreed with you in advance what the plan was for this cycle rather than leaving you thinking you’d start injectables earlier than he had planned) then you should be able to raise your concerns with him.

    • Well as a matter of fact, I called today and got the receptionist I usually speak with (last couple of days have been ladies I’m not used to) and she got me & DH into see Dr. Angel today. Thank God! He was so kind and understanding and amenable to adjusting the protocol (began injects today) and even offered to consult with an RE on our behalf. DH did give his sample and we are all (Dr. Angel, DH, and myself) on the same page. I’m in awe that this came together–certainly it is divine intervention. XO

  2. I agree with GK, these REs are getting paid (a lot) to take care of you. My husband and I are have gone through some similar issues, especially just this last week. Sometimes when I feel like I am on the bottom of an emotional trough, I try to visualize bouncing off of it to start to float back up. I know it is so much easier said than done, but know I am rooting for you!

  3. Oh my gosh my heart goes out to you. Deep breaths. You aren’t alone in this we’re all here with you and all understand how incredibly frustrating this whole process is. I don’t even know what to say right now except that I’m thinking of you. xx

  4. I’m so sorry you are having such a hard time, and that situation with your doctor is crazy. If you’re feeling brave enough, I’d be tempted to try and say something to him and let him know that you are feeling frustrated by the protocol and more generally how you are feeling. It’s their job to support you and make sure you are all in agreement about what you are doing, and that you are happy and understand what is going to happen and when (and why).

    I definitely understand how frustrating and slow moving this whole process can be. Hang in there. I hope it gets better soon xxx

  5. I often feel like the doctors don’t do much to make us feel more assured with their methods. As for the cry, let it all out. You need the release. As for your husband, maybe he needed that cry too. I hope he comes around in the next day or two and you are able to have a rationale (as rationale as us non-pregos get) convo about it. I’m sure the situation will lightened once you are feeling better. Adding a bad cold/flu onto an already stressed situation is just recipe for meltdown. Hang in there.

  6. I’m so sorry things are so awful right now. It’s an unbeleiveable amount of crap for one person to have to handle. I wish I could do more to help, I’d give you a giant hug if I could. I really hope things get better (very very) soon.

  7. I wish I could say something to make it all better. You’ve been through – and continue to go through – so much crap. It’s more than one person should have to shoulder. ((hugs))

  8. I wish with all of my heart that I could do something for you. Or that there was something I could say to make you feel better. Sadly, I know such a sentiment doesn’t exist. I’m going to send you light, love, and courage. *big hug*

  9. The hits just keep on coming. I’m glad you have this space to vent and you know we are all here for you to listen. Everything you are going through seems so unfair and it is made more difficult that the people who are supposed to support you and care don’t (i.e. your doctor, husband, nurses). I know your husband cares so much, but I feel like he doesn’t know how to handle his own pain, so he’s lashing out on you instead of turning to you for support and supporting you. Sending you some giant hugs, friend. I wish I knew what else to say, but I can totally relate in most areas. You just want to be understood and you want answers. But most of all, you just want your dreams to come true. XX

  10. Oh hon! I really wish we were closer so I could give you a big hug in person. I’m sending you the biggest virtual one right now. Just know you are not alone. We are all here for you.

  11. I completely understand the concept of two week cycles – waiting for ovulation them waiting for a positive pregnancy test (or dreaded period). And as for emotionally retarded, my husband is exactly the same: I cry and he shouts. I’m afraid I have no solution to that, but the other ladies are absolutely right, you’re paying the medical ‘professionals’ a lot and not getting the care you deserve xxx

  12. I’m so, so sorry 😦 😦 That’s a lot of crap to be dealing with and worrying about at the same time, especially with being under the weather. HUGS!

      • You know…I think if people hugged more, the world would be a better place. You’re going to laugh but I actually once hugged a perfect stranger who came out of a building I was going into. She was bawling so badly that I literally acted on instinct – and she was grateful, thanked me, and I felt like I’d done a good deed for the day. Sadly I’m a little more cynical a decade later…

  13. I agree with what MEL wrote— “I know your husband cares so much, but I feel like he doesn’t know how to handle his own pain, so he’s lashing out on you instead of turning to you for support and supporting you.” Would couples counseling be possible…or something to help lift this heaviness you are living through. Expert help can be such a relief because you’re not trying to figure eveyrthing out while you are reeling. love you girl. xoxoxo

  14. Would it help if I said you are so not alone? I feel like my husband hates me now. Every time I start talking about miscarriage related things or trying to get pregnant, I can feel him rolling his eyes and thinking, “Not this again.” It hurts. It makes you feel even more alone. I quit my job last year too hoping that we’d get pregnant and I’d be a stay at home mom like I’ve always wanted. Heck that’s why I didn’t finish school too – because I knew I would have trouble conceiving and I didn’t want to waste any time. And now I just feel like a loser. I’m trying to get back on track, but it’s difficult to even know where to begin when every.single.thing in my life is a mess. Big hugs!! This sucks so much – I wish I could snap my fingers and make this all better for the both of us 😦 Love and prayers to you always

    • You know I don’t wish any of my troubles on you (or anyone) but OF COURSE it helps to hear that I’m not alone! You are really “shakin’ and bakin'” in 2014 and I bet it’ll pay off in a lot of good ways! I hope your dreams come true SOON. And thanks for sharing. XO

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