Nope.

Today is 12dpo, I took a FRER this morning…do I really need to tell you how that turned out? Nope. I haven’t even cried–but I bet I will when AF arrives–if it’s anything like last month I will be glued to the couch with my heating pad.

This opens up a whole new can of worms. Do I stick to my idea to take off January to re-group? Cuz now I don’t want to take a break. I feel desperate to just get this (trying to conceive) over with already. And I don’t have the option of trying naturally, because Mr. MLACS’s schedule has changed and we physically will not be here during my fertile window–I don’t like the idea of not trying at all. Plus, I’ve been doing acupuncture with the lovely Star, and maybe it’s starting to work…but I can’t afford to keep doing this for months on end so since I’ve already invested in this treatment I don’t want to “pause” it in January (and backslide) and then “resume” in February or March–that seems counterproductive. What if the Remicade is the reason I haven’t conceived these last 5 months? My last infusion was October 24th and I was due for another one in December–which I declined–and I’ve managed to keep my Ulcerative Colitis in remission without it…I can’t take this for granted…next month or the month after that I could find myself VERY sick again, and my docs are always impressing upon me that it’s important for me to be in remission while TTC. There’s a lot of reasons to push forward and do an IUI in January.

Although, I would definitely like to change my protocol–I want MORE follicles, and I believe the way to accomplish this is to dispense with the Femara altogether and begin Bravelle CD3, with a healthy dose at 150iu, in the hopes of recruiting more follicles to begin with. Then, I’d like to trigger no later than CD14 (preferably CD12 but that’s probably not realistic for me). And I want to do a double IUI with Mr. MLACS’s “spermcicles” (frozen sperm) since we won’t be able to have sex.

The failure of IUI #2 is particularly frustrating because I got pregnant twice naturally in 2013, but since then I’ve done 2 rounds of Clomid and 2 IUI’s with Femara + Bravelle and NOTHING…it’s been 5 cycles since my last pregnancy (one natural cycle in-between Clomid and starting IUI’s). WHY? Is it the Remicade (that I started as I was having my chemical pregnancy at the end of July ’13)? Is it that my body hates the hormones and I’ll never get pregnant on medicated cycles? Is it stress? Are we TRYING too hard–do we “just need a vacation”?!!!  Is it Dr. Angel’s IUI protocol?? Is monitoring every day bad? Did we “miss” the egg by not having sex post-trigger and then doing the IUI post-ovulation? Is he making poor use of my preciou$ injectable meds? Is there something else…an infection in my uterus? Could I benefit from dexamethasone to further quiet my immune system? I’m gluten-free but do I need to quit dairy and grains? Do I need to eat pineapple core? I don’t even know where to begin…

This is getting expensive. Mr. MLACS is getting tired of the roller coaster too and he’s not sure he wants to do an IUI in January, but he says he just “wants to see me happy”. I don’t even know what will make me happy right now. I need a shower–I’m sitting here in clothes I’ve worn for 3 days with bed-head and I feel like a troll. Maybe I’m just so sick of doing my due diligence (taking meds day and night, etc.) that I’m subconsciously rebelling by not taking care of my other needs. That’d be redundant.

I worry about things…like “Myrtle’s” upcoming bachelorette party and the bridal shower I’m supposed to throw and then her damn wedding in April. I don’t want to go to the bachelorette party–I despise her when she’s drunk, the weather is awful, and I don’t want to spend the money, but it’s coming up mid-January and I don’t know what to say to get out of it. She point-blank asked me in front of a room full of people at her family’s Christmas gathering “SO HOW’S THE BABY MAKING GOING?” To which I, after a pause, calmly replied “Nothing to speak about”–let her wonder–she doesn’t even CARE she’s only asking to be nosey and because she wanted to see if I’d be weaseling out of her upcoming hen party or not fitting into the bridesmaid dress. I refuse to speak to her about any of what’s been going on with me–I still haven’t mentioned that my Grandma has cancer (though that may be my excuse for skipping the hen party). I don’t mind throwing the shower, but this means I’m going to need to start planning it for mid-March. And the wedding…but I wish I wasn’t in it. She doesn’t have a big budget, but she has enough, and for some reason she has decided that–instead of hiring someone–she wants her wedding party and guests to clean up the venue post-reception? I think that is ridiculous, but I’ve already been ‘snapped at’ for telling her not to pair black opaque tights with her navy blue eyelet lace sundresses for the bridesmaids, so I won’t be making any more suggestions. Uhg. Why do I worry about this BS? And “Myrtle” really wasn’t the point of this post. But…it’s sort of relevant because I was thinking “I’d be right at 16 weeks when the wedding rolls around” and now…I won’t. I may be zero weeks when the wedding rolls around, and I need to accept that instead of feeling panicked about it.

I conceived January 19, 2013, and after my 7w2d miscarriage, I never thought I would be here a year later, with no pregnancy and no baby. I may have feared it, but I never believed it would happen.

And so I’ll leave you with the ‘Serenity Prayer’–one which you’re probably all familiar with, but if you haven’t prayed it in awhile (as I haven’t) now may be the time. XO

God-Grant-me-the

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12 thoughts on “Nope.

  1. Is it okay that I teared up for you? I’m so stinking sorry. Life sure doesn’t go the way we think it should go, does it? And there are so many unanswered, unexplained questions. As for Myrtle, if you feel that way about it, hun, I’d say bail out of it. She doesn’t sound like a true friend anyways, and you don’t need to stress about her when you have so much else on your plate. Time to focus on you, hubby, your future baby and your grandmother. I’m sorry if I shouldn’t have offered up that advice, I hope you don’t mind. But I’ve been right where you are and those “friends” like Myrtle only want you around when they need you. That’s been my experience anyways, and I am just looking out for your best interests. Sending you some big hugs. XO Mel

  2. This all really bites, and I am so sorry! Please know that I am thinking of you and sending as much mental strength as I can. And I feel like with everything, you need the time off, away from crazy “Myrtle.” I agree with Mel, just go focus on you and your family.

  3. Sorry for the disappointing news 😦 I’m sure this is not how you wanted to start the new year. I hope you don’t mind me saying so, but I personally would pull out of the bridal shower stuff. I think you should focus on your health and how to get it to the optimum and maybe a break from all the infertility meds will you give your body a better starting ground? I know it’s easier said than done and all advice in the world won’t make a difference, but when I was reading your post I just thought to myself “wow, she’s got a lot of stress going on”. I hope you’ll figure out what’s best for YOU and not others who don’t even seem to care about your struggles (Mrs. Mrytle). Take a deep breath. Hugs 🙂

  4. I have that saying hung in my home office. Its always a mnice reminder. As for Myrtle’s stagette, could you get wa bad case of the flu? I know its bad to lie, but it sounds like you need a break. The wedding will be more than enough to handle.

  5. I was just saying this prayer last night. This journey is exhausting in every way. I’m sorry you are facing this and that it has taken so long. I say go for it this month but it does sound like you have some good ideas on how to improve the next cycle. Again, I’m sorry 😦

  6. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way because all of this extremely unfair crap is happening to you. 😦 This battle sure takes its toll on us. The stress is just too much sometimes. Whatever you decide to do I’m wishing you strength. Hugs friend.

  7. I’m so sorry. About all of it :(. I know exactly how you feel wondering why its not working, when its worked in the past. Although I had a different list of questions, I also had a never ending list running through my brain for why it might not be working. It drives you completely insane. I really really hope you don’t have to wait much longer :(.

  8. Oh man, my heart just goes out to you. I wish I could give you some good advice, but then that would mean I have things figured out and somehow after 3 years on this journey, I’m still stuck thinking, “I have no idea what to do with my life.” Hugs to you!

  9. Sucks. Plain old suckity suck sucks. I’m sorry for yet another disappointment. I am in the same place of asking WHY about 1,000 times a day and getting no answers. It drives me bonkers to have no real answers. I also want to get this over with but don’t want to stop. It is no win right now. But it helps a teensy bit to know you’re not the only one suffering at the moment. You are not alone.

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