2013 Can Suck It (Take 2)

I just wrote the longest, bitchiest post I could possibly imagine. And I published it. And then I decided to un-publish it, because it’s slightly funny but mostly just insanely bitchy and I’m not doing you any favors by sharing it with you. So, it’s gone. But it was basically talking about how crappy 2013 was, and that is worth mentioning so I’ll list the offences of 2013:

1. Miscarriage: Feb. 25th, 2013. It was not a “missed miscarriage”. The bleeding started but an ultrasound revealed an embryo that measured within a couple of days of anticipated conception, with a heartbeat of 160bpm, at 7w2d. Yet (after a visit to the ER that night confirmed no heartbeat), it was dismissed as a statistic by my OBGYN, I was given Misoprostol to ensure complete ‘evacuation’, and told to give it a month and try again. Then I went on to have a chemical pregnancy on August 2nd, 2013 (there was a sac and if FELT worse than my prior miscarriage).

2. Chronic Illness: Ulcerative Colitis has worsened 10 fold this year. Post-miscarriage it was revealed that I have several other problems, including:

  • Hypothyroid (may very well have caused my miscarriage)
  • Lichen Sclerosus (an autoimmune disorder that causes the skin in my genital area to atrophy–it’s painful)
  • Elevated ANA’s (anti-nuclear antibodies–an indicator of Lupus)
  • Elevated NK cells (natural killer cells, which play a delicate role in implantation)

3. Horrible doctors (totally unsupportive and incompetent–when I was most fragile post-miscarriage)

4. Marital issues I’ve written about some of it in the past–it’s not easy to have marital problems on top of all this other bullsh*t in a town where you don’t know very many people and you’re scared sh*tless that you might be really, really sick. Oh, and you’re blaming your body for killing your seemingly perfect embryo and feeling desperate to figure things out to protect future pregnancies, while your husband tells you that you’re overreacting and wasting money. Things are different now, but they really couldn’t have been much worse for awhile.

5. Moving But not knowing exactly when or where. Mr. MLACS hated, absolutely HATED his last project. And he thought he’d get promoted to an upcoming project (a domestic job), but that did not manifest–he got dealt a lot of sh*tty hands this year. We decided to “abandon ship” and started looking at other companies, but no one could give us a solid offer with the pay he should command. We had to make a lot of hard decisions and in the end he chose to stay with his company and do a job in Canada (commuting), and we moved back to my hometown. But this process began in April ’13 and we did not know where we were going until August, then we moved abruptly in September. STRESSFUL. And for most of the summer I just felt frozen–I was watching life moving on around me while my own life was suspended in wait.

6. Finances Just when we think everything is going to be fine, something pops up. It causes us to fight and it caused me a lot of anguish on top of the other stuff I was dealing with. Part of it is medical bills, which is a bitter pill to swallow–first you have a medical crisis, then you find yourself in debt over it, often with no resolution. And I didn’t work–I went back to school to become a nurse and most recently I’ve been obsessed and single-minded about having a baby (which is getting expensive as well).

After our (practically immaculate) first conception in January 2013, I couldn’t have predicted that I’d be sitting here–not only childless–but not even pregnant a year later. I don’t think anybody would’ve predicted this–my doctors kept patting me on the back and sending me home until a couple months ago when I met Dr. Angel and we started IUI’s with injectables. I couldn’t have predicted any of what happened this past year. I was in a strange city trying to transition into a new phase of my life (motherhood), trying to build my (difficult) relationship with my husband, trying to forge my way to a new career (nursing), and trying to figure out WTF was happening to me and how to deal with it– all while fighting chronic illness and multiple miscarriages. I don’t know what I expected, but I was not prepared for what happened. I’m still traumatized. And, in fact, I think that I have gotten worse recently (in no small part due to the IUI hormones)–I’m fighting feelings of anxiety, anger, depression, sadness, insecurity, indifference, irritability…I’m quick to anger and I have NO FILTER (hence why I 86’d my initial “2013 Can Suck It” post). I don’t know if 2014 is going to see the resolution of the above listed grievances that I have against 2013. I could really use something to look forward to, but I don’t have anything. Yet…

 

 

 

 

 

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31 thoughts on “2013 Can Suck It (Take 2)

  1. The drugs have eliminated my filter too. I had a ton of in-law drama last month. I totally understand that part of your journey. Sometimes if helps to get it all out even if it is kept private. Hang in there.

  2. The final line of your post completely sums up what I’m feeling at the moment. I’m trying to find something to look forward to. A goal which does not seem completely unobtainable but so far I’m at a loss. I hope you are able to find a resolution to at least some of the issues from 2013 and an achievable goal to aim for and look forward to in 2014.

    • It’s strange because usually creating goals and managing expectations comes naturally to me. But now I’m just baffled and unsure which basket to put my proverbial eggs in. I hope we get some clarity before January is gone! XO friend

  3. It’s amazing what can change in a year. Hell, even in just a few months. I’m pretty confident that 2014 will be better for you. You’ve already made steps in the right direction. Hang in there Dear. Remember that a lot of what is coming up now is the drugs/hormones. Sending you love, patience, strength, and courage.

  4. I agree with you, 2013 can SUCK IT! It surely was a hard year on you and you have endured so much. I pray that 2014 will bring you so many blessings that 2013 will just feel like a bad dream. I’m hoping that for myself, too. Good riddance 2013.

  5. Yes! 2013 can suck it! Thank God it’s over!! I understand the need to have a social filter in your day to day life, but know there’s nothing you can say on here that would be offensive. Sometimes the healthiest thing to do is let it all out, and we’re here for you no matter what! The past year was brutal. I think you’re amazing for handling it as well as you have! The universe can only hand us so much shit. It has to turn around eventually. It just does. Fingers crossed this cycle is it and everything starts falling into place! Big hug!

  6. I’m so sorry about the sucky year – I’m hoping that this year is better for you and me both! Keep fighting for your marriage – it will get better. I’m praying for healing for your health, marriage, and finances. Hugs!!!

    • Thanks Amber–Me and Mr. MLACS definitely understand each other better after this past year, but we have a lot of work to do still. He’s agreed to start going to church with me, so maybe that will open some more lines of communication. XO

    • Thanks Amber–Me and Mr. MLACS definitely understand each other better after this past year, but we have a lot of work to do still. He’s agreed to start going to church with me, so maybe that will open some more lines of communication. XO

  7. I read your other post, but didn’t get to comment on it because when I’m on my phone it’s difficult to do so and the entire thing deletes, so I’m going to comment on that too while I’m here- I hope you don’t mind. Your feelings are justified. ALL OF THEM. You are going through so much and everyday you are in this battle takes more of a toll on you. You are doing it alone too- I’m not accusing your husband of not being supportive, but men just do not experience the same thing we do- they don’t know how we feel or what we need and we cannot explain it to have them fully understand. Your comments about your MIL were justified too. She didn’t listen to you. There is nothing more frustrating than feeling like you’re not being listened to. You are not crazy and you are NOT bitchy (I didn’t take your post like that at all. I could so relate to much of what you were saying). This is your reality and it is very difficult to face. I’m so sorry that you had such a rough 2013. It just HAS to be better in 2014. It just HAS to be. I’m not sure I can handle another year like 2013 either.

    • You managed to squeeze a tear outta me…I felt like such a horrible person for saying all that stuff about my MIL and Mr. MLACS, cuz I know they love me–I just wished they disappear until I could appreciate their company and their gifts. I’m just so irritable/fed up/uncomfortable/dissatisfied. Mr. MLACS read the post and I was nervous about his reaction–it hurt his feelings, but, it feels good to be HEARD, and I did apologize to him for being so bitchy. He was very kind about it and it didn’t start a fight, and then we went on to have a civilized discussion about money–I don’t regret writing that post. I still have it, I just made it “private”–I need it to chronicle my journey. I’d like to think 2014 will be better but I’m not excited about it at the moment–but TRYING to get the ball rolling so I have something to be excited about. Heart you! XO

      • It is probably a good thing that he read that post because it’s important that you guys keep talking. Even if those conversations are hard, keep talking. You are not crazy. I think all of those are normal feelings with this journey. Hugs friend.

      • Sometimes he pretends like his childhood was untouchably perfect and it scares me because his parents could’ve done MUCH better by him (and his mother blames his father). I don’t want to insult him but I NEED to know that he doesn’t intend to parent our kids exactly the way he was parented. He’s also not keen to have a developmentally disabled child–it feels horrible to love his brother so much but still abhor the idea of having a developmentally disabled child. The blog post opens doors to share these feelings, and it seems to help us. XOXO

      • I completely understand what you are saying. I hate that this is even a worry for you, but it is. I wish this could just be easier for you. If I could make it that way, I would. You will be great parents (both of you). He will mature a bit when he has to. 🙂 Praying that 2014 brings you joy.. you deserve it. 🙂

  8. That’s so awesome that you use the blog to communicate with him. When DH and I have had difficult arguments in the past we’ve stopped talking and wrote gigantic emails to each other instead, which was much more manageable. You’re doing something healthy by purging the poison, you know?

    The drugs are filter-destroyers, coping-mechanism robbers, and all-around beeyatches and need to be blamed for any and all outbursts. I read both take 1 and take 2 of this post and it was like hearing the Ghost of Clomid from my own not-too-distant past—that drug made me feel like Satan. Blame the drugs, loudly and always.

    What you write in the comment above about “wishing they disappear until I could appreciate their company and their gifts”—ohhh honey. I have been exactly there. After my failed IVF, my one and only chance at biological children, my MIL sent us a cheap dancing Snoopy knick-knack and a goofy card with a note that said: “Be happy!!!” I threw the Snoopy away (and he was my favorite as a kid) because it filled me with the most ridiculous rage….

    It sounds like you’re gearing up for some big changes, trying to find hope, reasons to look forward, and I know you’ll find them because the woman who wrote this post, take 1 and take 2, is a goddamned bonafide fighter. XO

    • I’m sure I don’t deserve your 100% unwavering support, BUT I’m going to greedily accept it. I’m reeeeally glad that you have considered yourself “cray cray” on the drugs, because I thought “everybody else seems to handle this gracefully enough, what’s wrong with ME? Why can’t I control myself?!” Still truckin’, but I’m gonna use my one phone call to call you if I lose it and end up needing bail money one of these days. LYLAS, XO

  9. I just happened to catch the last post…and I just want to say damn skivvy you have a right to need to vent. Sometimes when everything just keep building up and growing into this crazy and unrestrainable monster, you just have to let it go. I think we all hit that point where all we do is over-think and over-stress and over-everything about having children…I totally have hit points where I honestly question if I want to be tied to my husband via a child! And I think that post (and this one!!) is the perfect way to release all that stupid and SHITTY stress and gear up for 2014. Which will be a better year! My thoughts are with you both!!

    • Thank you! Thank you! I genuinely expected u everybody who read that post to think I’m a two-headed monster! I actually hope IUI #2 worked. This is one of those things that TTC takes away from you–people who are NTNP don’t sit there and obsess over what sort of genetics they might be passing on, they just have sex and have a baby. XO

      • I know, right? And they don’t obsess over side-effects or their cycles or even if their relationships should even have a baby. Talk about sucking a giant one. I totally am with you, lady!!! Oh, and many of them can drink and still get knocked up. Whatever. It’ll be fine in the end!!

  10. Man, when it rains it pours. I don’t know if this happens to you, but so many times in life, I’ve noticed when a bunch of really crappy things happen in what seems like a never ending stream and I want to give up and quit… Then, bam a bunch of good stuff starts coming down the pipe. I really hope this was the storm before the rainbow and that this new year is going to bring things to celebrate and wipe away all the hardships.

  11. I truly think you are an exceptionally strong person. I think most people would unravel if they were faced with similar challenges. I saw a quote on pinterest recently and it said, “There are years that give you questions and years that give you the answers.” I hope 2014 is a year of answers for you. Hugs 🙂

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