More Rain Before The Rainbow…

pink ribbon

Uh, hey guys…I, uh, well…*looking down, hands behind back, kicking dirt*

Fuck it.

My Mom was diagnosed with terminal Breast Cancer that had metastasized to her lungs at age 55 in 2006, and she passed away at age 59 in 2009. And now her Mom, my Maternal Grandmother, has been diagnosed with Breast Cancer this week at age 83.

I HATE CANCER. I FUCKING HATE CANCER. ESPECIALLY BREAST CANCER.

Both my Mother and Grandmother were cigarette smokers and both diagnosed after age 50, but Dr. Angel still thinks I should be tested for the BRCA gene. Regardless of the presence of the BRCA gene, I am still at higher risk of Breast Cancer given my family history.

But that is really far from my mind right now. My Grandma is my last living grandparent. We have a close relationship. She still lives with my Dad and helps my sister run our family daycare. Grandma and I stuck together during my Mom’s illness–I didn’t talk to my Dad for 2 years, though I have since forgiven him and seen a change in him that lets me know that he has been exorcised of his demons and won’t do me any more harm in his lifetime. My sister is a different story…we have a volatile relationship and she is bittersweet…sentimental one moment and heartless the next…probably the most fickle human being I’ve ever known. My Grandma stood by me during my Mother’s illness, while my Dad and Sister picked me apart as their grief manifested as rage. Grandma and I went to church and prayed for those assh*les to wisen up and stop being miserable and vomiting their misery onto everyone else. I really believe that praying for them to gain wisdom and compassion has manifested change in both of them, but I still don’t trust my sister–I’ve been screwed over too many times.

I wept to the social worker during my Mom’s illness. I was having a complete mental breakdown because I had had this vision of my family coming together and supporting each other and lifting my Mom up in her time of need…and what happened was a Jerry Springer episode gone horribly wrong. I was treated as an outsider, as I had been living in Hawaii for several years, and ultimately I became the target of all my Dad’s and my Sister’s anguish. The social worker said that terminal illness causes one of two outcomes in families: it either brings them together or tears them apart. And there’s nothing I could do, except try to support my Mom–and they made it VERY hard for me to do that. I had put all this behind me and moved on to have healthier relationships with my Dad and Sister, but I’m having PTSD now…my Grandma is going to die the same way as my Mother did in our family home…I can’t help but harken back to those dark days…and after 2013 has beaten me to a pulp with marriage difficulties, chronic illness + health crisis, 2 miscarriages, Infertility…I’m afraid that I don’t have the strength to endure going 10 rounds with my family if they decide to regress and act the way they did during my Mom’s illness…I’m literally sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

I am very active with Susan G. Komen for the Cure and I fundraise for a memorial team in my Mother’s memory. It’s cathartic for me, to feel that in some way I am fighting this disease that will ultimately claim the two most important women in my life. And when somebody asks me what they can do, all I can say is “fight for a cure“.

In other news, I’m currently in the midst of IUI #2. But I know you’ll forgive me if I don’t feel like talking about it. In fact, I don’t feel like talking at all. I love you guys, and I’ll be keeping up with you, but if I post and comment less consistently it’s not because I don’t care. It’s because I care too much. XO

**Edit**I’d like to add that I’m relieved to have my Mr. MLACS at home with me as of yesterday–I didn’t have him when I went through this ordeal with my Mom and he is a great source of comfort and stability for me. I’m still hopeful that I will be able to introduce my Grandma to our rainbow before she leaves this world. Also, I talked to my friend who’s dating Dr. Angel’s son (she intro’d me to Dr. Angel) and told her I was overwhelmed by anxiety and depression post IUI #1. So I’m sure it was no coincidence that Dr. Angel pulled me aside today after Mr. MLACS walked out of the office and said “I forgot to mention that the hormones can cause or amplify any issues like depression or anxiety, perhaps you’ve experienced some of this?” to which I replied “Oh. Well yes I have.” And Dr. Angel said “Well that’s normal and if you need to talk please come and see me.” He really is my Angel, this guy. My cat slept on my head last night and is currently cuddled next to my butt on the couch–he missed me for the 36 hours I was away, and I missed him too–he is definitely my baby. I know I sounded morose in the above paragraphs, and part of me is–but the better part of me is still optimistic and grateful. XOXO

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22 thoughts on “More Rain Before The Rainbow…

  1. Oh, I’m so so sorry to hear this news. Cancer SUCKS! Has she been staged? Is there a plan in place? It sounds like finding a good therapist might be in order… I don’t know how I’d have gotten through my own cancer experience without one. Thinking of you and sending hugs.

    • She had the mammogram & biopsy this past Tuesday, and we got the results just a couple days ago on Thursday, so she hasn’t been staged yet. But the suspicious lump that was biopsied is over the size of a half dollar, which has everyone thinking the worst. She’s otherwise healthy, taking only inhalers for her COPD and one would never know she has it (quit smoking 15+ years ago). She’s 83 so of course something was going to take her from us eventually, but WHY does it have to be f*ing Breast Cancer??! XO

  2. 😦 I’m so sorry cancer has taken so much from you and continues to. My heart truly breaks for you- then to be treated the way you were- kicked when you were already down is horrible. I’m so sorry that your going through all of this and pray that it your family will handle things differently. I totally understand about not feeling like talking-but know that I actually do worry about you. So, as soon as I see a post from you- I feel better. (Sounds crazy when I type that out, but it’s true). Praying this IUI works for you.. you so deserve some much needed good news. Hugs.

    • Thanks woman, I would be really unhappy if you just didn’t post! It’s nice to know that you worry about me too. And you know we all could use some better news, I’m not saying what I’ve been through makes me entitled to sh*t because it really doesn’t. I have “first world problems”. But I’d surely like to catch a break and win this IUI. Blessings to you as well. XO

  3. I’m so so sorry about your grandma. Just because they’re getting older doesn’t make it any easier to think about losing them, and I can’t imagine how hard it must be to lose her to the same thing as your mom. PTSD is right. Crossing fingers for the IUI, god knows some good news is in order.

    • Thanks for understanding–it’s not only that I’m losing my last maternal figure, but also that I’m losing her in the same way that makes it volumes harder. My girlfriend texted me earlier to watch her kids last-minute and I texted her back that I just found out about my Grandma and Mr. MLACS just got home and we have to be up at 6:15am to go see Dr. Angel and her response was “Oh well I don’t know who else to ask because everyone else has X, Y, Z going on”. My eyes bulged from my head and I replied “uh, yeah thanks for the sensitivity about my Grandma”. I guess some people don’t care about their Grandma and also have no clue how taxing infertility is, or how much I need time with Mr. MLACS since he’s been gone through these last 2 difficult weeks. Thank YOU for knowing wtf is up. XO

  4. Oh hun this breaks my heart.
    1) As someone who helped my mum through breast cancer I know how hard it is to pull yourself together to be strong for those suffering. It takes everything you’ve got. I hate that you’re having to go through that again
    2) You’ve had a brutal year, take as much time as you need out. We’ll always be here
    3) Yay for Dr Angel!!
    4) Sending love and hugs and hope for IUI#2 xxx

  5. Oh hon, I hate cancer so much too! You’ve had to deal with so much, and now this too. It’s just so wrong. I’m so so very sorry. I’m sending prayers for your Grandmother and for your family to cut you a break and be more supportive. Don’t even worry about us! We are all here for you, and completely understand. Sending you love, strength and prayers. Big hug.

  6. I don’t even know what to say, this is too much for one person to handle. You have experienced so much loss and have had to steel yourself for so many insanely difficult situations. I understand the situational PTSD. Am here for you. I hope a little something arrives in the mail soon and gives you a smile. XOXO

  7. You are strong enough. You are amazing. You can do anything. I have faith in you. I am glad your husband is home. I’m sending you strength, courage, faith, and most of all love. We’ve got your back sweetie!

  8. I lost my grandmother to pancreatic cancer and I know just how badly cancer sucks. She was my BEST FRIEND. I’m sorry for all you’re going through. I wish I could take away the pain and the hurt. I pray that what your family is about to go through doesn’t tear you apart again, but brings you closer. Your grandmother would want that, so that is what I will pray for. God bless you, dear friend. Lots of hugs…Mel

  9. Boooo. I’m so sorry to hear your grandma and your whole family has been dealt this news. If there is any type of support you need, questions answered, help being matched with clinical trials, emotional support….anything at all, don’t hesitate to visit livestrong.org. They can put you or your grandma in touch with a social worker who can help you navigate this journey. Praying for you guys!

  10. Wow – just when I hope things are going to slow down a little for you… for what it is worth I think you should get tested and I am truly very sorry that the c-word has reappeared in your family. It’s such an ugly ugly thing.I am hoping for the rainbow connection with Grandma….

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