Highly Doubtful

I tested with a FRER with FMU and BFN @ 11dpo, 12dpiui. I was still hopeful because my symptoms are persisting, but Mr. MLACS (from across the miles, via phone) informed me that, lucky us, according to the FRER stats there’s a 20% chance that this was a false negative! Oh goody! So that means (and I believe, because you know I believe in the power of FRER’s) that there is an 80% chance that I AM NOT pregnant. I should’ve seen at least a faint positive today–I saw a ‘shadow’ of a line at 11dpo with my chemical, and the faintest pink line at 12dpo, and my beta was 5, so it’s insane that I even saw a line. I squinted at today’s FRER, and I willed a second line to show it’s self, but there was nothing.

There’s an 80% chance that I am going to have to do this over again at the end of this month (during Christmas) while my MIL is here visiting with Mr. MLACS’s developmentally disabled (seriously AWESOME) older brother. I don’t want to explain any of this to my MIL. I don’t want her telling my SIL about any of this, because SIL had a miscarriage this time last year and is currently going through a veeeeery bitter divorce (was married for 1 year and 3 months before separating) AND she just turned 30 AND is changing her career…so basically, she has swallowed a handful of bitter pills after having her dreams fall apart this year. She admitted she had hoped we would have our first miscarriage (not to me, to her brother) and I’ll never forgive her for that–I KNEW that she felt that way, I could FEEL it, and I worry that her bad juju hurt my pregnancy. Mr. MLACS didn’t believe me that she felt that way until SHE told him. I just don’t understand how a woman who has lived through the devastation of miscarriage could ever WISH that on someone else. I mean, I can see wishing that someone wouldn’t get pregnant or wishing that it would take them awhile to get pregnant, but wishing for miscarriage is crossing the damn line. If you wish for someone to have a miscarriage then you’re an a**hole and I don’t want to know you. Oh and then she called me after my miscarriage and was like “I’m SO sorry I know JUST how you feel” and I wanted to be like “No b*tch, your hater ass does NOT know how I feel”, but I didn’t. In my head (logically) I know she’s (emotionally) just a little girl whose dreams of being married for 50 years and having 5 kids got ripped away from her and she was lashing out. It’s pathetic and should inspire pity. But in my heart, I’m grieving for the babies I lost and I want to STOMP anyone who dares to take an ounce of satisfaction that this happened to me and my poor Mr. MLACS. F*ck her. Uhg. Little sisters are such little haters.

What this all leads up to is, there’s an 80% chance that I’m going to have to do this all over again. There’s an 80% chance Mr. MLACS’s Mom and brother (but God willing NOT his little sister) will be here with us during this next cycle. And, even though Mr. MLACS says his mother would NEVER tell his sister if he tells his Mom not to…he has no idea how women operate, particularly mothers/daughters/sisters/friends…and you and me and GOD knows that there’s an 80% chance that my MIL is going to tell my SIL. And that chaps my ass even more than having to do it all over again.

I’m so frustrated I don’t even care that we’re finally getting the first snow I’ve been wishing for.  

17 thoughts on “Highly Doubtful

      • I think you are still on track… u just got the trigger out of your system and i believe it takes a few more days to be able to see your hcg… thats my story and im sticking to it. I will not give up hope yet. If this cycle fails, i am going to cry and pout and throw a tantrum right along with you. Sometimes life is just so Damn unfair!
        Still have everyrhing crossed for you in hopes that there be no wittnesses of starting over next cycle, only to morning sickness.

    • I’m with Steph on this. Everything about this sucks balls! I cannot imagine wishing a MC on someone. That is so hurtful. Keeping my everything crossed until 15 dpiui. *Sending you love, courage, and strength.*

  1. Oh man, that SIL sounds like a real winner. Wowza! Run far away from that one!

    I reeeeaaally hope you’re wrong about 80% chance of this not working! If God forbid it doesn’t work out, is it possible you and hubby can just keep it to yourself while the MIL is there? Maybe say you’re stepping out somewhere else for an hour if you need to for any apts.? I don’t blame you for not wanting everyone all up in your business.

  2. I am so beyond disgusted with your SIL! Regardless of what is going on in her life, how could she ever wish for anyone to have a miscarriage?! Especially after having one herself. It’s unthinkable. Yes, it sounds like she’s been dealt a terrible amount of crap lately, but that doesn’t excuse this. For her to think it is awful. For her to admit it and tell your husband, her brother, is just wrong!

    You are right about FRER. They’re very sensitive to hcg. I got a faint positive at 8 dpo with all my pregnancies, but everyone is different and I’ve heard of many ladies on here that don’t test positive with FRER until 16 dpo. So I know it’s hard to not feel positive at this point, but until AF shows her ugly head, I’m going to keep routing for you! If it turns out that you are in the 80% and not the 20%, just know that we will be there for you through the whole process all over again. And hopefully your MIL will respect you and her son and keep her mouth shut. My in-laws were visiting during my first IVF cycle. I was anxious about it, but it actually turned out okay. My MIL did all the cooking and took care pf me the entire time. It’s like she knew I needed a little pampering. Hopefully your MIL will be just as compassionate, but hopefully you won’t have to find out! I’m still crossing everything that can be crossed for you!

  3. Crap, I’m sorry :(. Someone has to be in that 20%, so why not you? But, then again, I’d probably be giving up too if I didn’t see anything by now :(. Your SIL might win an award for most evil SIL, unbelievable. I think we’ve all been through some awful shit, but we would NEVER begin to say anything like that.

    • See, and funny thing is that she thinks her ex husband and his mother are evil and that she is a victim–but where the hell are HER morals? She’s just as spiteful as any of them, which makes her no better.

  4. Wow. Just wow. I cannot believe your SIL actually WISHED a miscarriage on you. THAT IS INSANE!! I mean, I see pregnant women now and I am hurt because I know that’s where I should be now. I’m hurt that they got to keep their baby but God chose to take mine. I wouldn’t wish a miscarriage on them, I just wish that I still had my baby too. Two entirely different things. I am just amazed at how some people think – that is awful. I can’t get over it!

    I am just not ready to give up hope on this cycle just yet. I am holding out until the bitter end!! Hugs to you. XOXO

  5. I’m sorry, I know this kind of disappointment all too well. Hopes were high. 😦 Are you on progesterone post ovulation? My RE is a huge fan of progesterone and gives it out as a standard practice, regardless of what your numbers say. Food for thought.

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