BFN. BFN. BFN…Infinity…

Quick Update:

My day got off on the wrong foot–can you guess what happened??? You are correct if you guessed that I tested with a FRER and got a Big. Fat. Negative. at 12dpo. I told myself “it’s going to be negative, so don’t freak out and panic and try to find that second line that isn’t there”. And I played it pretty cool, I think. But then Mr. MLACS called and upon hearing him say he’s sorry and we’ll try again my voice cracked and the tears of frustration, sadness, and embarrassment that I didn’t even know I was fighting started pouring out. Then Mr. MLACS said something I didn’t expect since finances are super tight this month–he asked me what it would cost us to do the medicated cycle (Letrozole + Bravelle + HCG Trigger, with Ultrasounds and IUI) and I told him, and he said “I may be able to swing that”. WOW. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Mr. MLACS.

So today I called Express Scripts to see about pricing the Letrozole and even though I figured it wasn’t covered I asked about my coverage for Bravelle…and guess what…it’s covered! Not entirely, as I believe I am responsible for 10% of the cost of generic and 40% of the cost of name brand, but that’s better than I expected! I’ll take it! After that I was frantically calling my OBGYN Dr. Angel’s office trying to get a script for the meds. The Bravelle must come from Freedom Pharmacy, and in my experience they take forever to get the order filled and the meds shipped, so I was thrilled when Dr. Angel himself called me back and I was able to explain all of this to him–and he happily agreed to send the prescriptions today. I LOVE this guy! I think a medicated cycle in November may actually happen! Goosebumps.

As a side note, did you guys know that Express Scripts (the only mail order pharmacy I know of in the US since they took over Medco) also owns Freedom Fertility Pharmacy? Can you say “Monopoly”?!! This is just insane to me, that they get away with this. And explain to me why Freedom Pharmacy was going to charge me $350 for ONE month of Endometrin, but Express Scripts only charged me $45 for a month??? Please, explain to me why two companies that are part of the same corporation and both contracted through my insurance are charging such drastically different prices for the same product. Why is nobody talking about this Monopoly? Is this part of our “healthcare reform”, that there should be no competition in the gazillion dollar pharmaceutical market in America? Wth dude. End rant.




I Don’t Want to Give Up My Coffee

I Love Coffee


I know that caffeine is considered a no-no during ttc and pregnancy, but I never knew why until I bothered to google it and found this article: which I copied and pasted below. My relationship with coffee goes back to when I was just a kid–my Mom drank black coffee ALL DAY LONG, which may or may not be the secret to how she ran a home daycare AND my Dad’s business AND took care of everybody, including the cats and cockatiel. I started drinking coffee at age 16, when I developed a crush on a skateboarder I knew from school, who worked in his gay uncle’s short-order diner. The gay is inserted before uncle, because the uncle encouraged the artsy-angsty (LBGT) university-bound youth of our town to sit and sip coffee while they contemplated life and wrote poetry and made art, whereas the totally not gay misogynistic owner (who I ended up working for a couple years later) kicked all of these colorful artsy types out because he didn’t like “their type” they would sit and drink coffee for hours without buying food–such a dick. I’m glad that I got to witness the diner in it’s pre-misogynistic era, and meet some of those amazing people; I was exposed to culture for the first time in my life (no offense to my parents). Oh, and the whole reason I went to the diner was to drool over this skateboarder I had a crush on. The most intimate I ever got with him though, was smoking my first blunt in the closet at the diner (don’t judge me) with him and two other people. But I digress. I went to the diner to begin my relationship with a boy, but instead I began my relationship with coffee (and ‘mary jane’) at the tender age of 16. I proceeded to spend countless hours having intense (caffeine-fueled) philosophical conversations with friends and strangers in coffee shops. I discovered Starbucks when I moved to Honolulu at age 21 (I’m really telling you too much but c’est la vie) and I have probably spent a semester’s tuition on their special brand of crack. My favorite wedding present was my (beloved) Keurig. I LOVE COFFEE. And the thing is, both of the cycles that I got pregnant, I was drinking coffee with abandon (although not as much as I did in college, good Lord I could easily drink 3 pots a day back then!) And I’ve also quit coffee for several cycles, and nothin’ happened. So, I googled (in vain) “coffee good for conception” and I got nothing. Nobody will tell you that coffee is good for conception and pregnancy. Au contraire, coffee is the problem, not the solution. But…I don’t think I’m ready to give up my morning cup at this time. Ask me again in a few days after I get that BFN. Paix

Caffeine reduces muscle activity in the Fallopian tubes that carry eggs from a woman’s ovaries to her womb. “Our experiments were conducted in mice, but this finding goes a long way towards explaining why drinking caffeinated drinks can reduce a woman’s chance of becoming pregnant,” says Professor Sean Ward from the University of Nevada School of Medicine, Reno, USA. Ward’s study is published today in the British Journal of Pharmacology.

Human eggs are microscopically small, but need to travel to a woman’s womb if she is going to have a successful pregnancy. Although the process is essential for a successful pregnancy, scientists know little about how eggs move through the muscular Fallopian tubes. It was generally assumed that tiny hair-like projections, called cilia, in the lining of the tubes, waft eggs along assisted by muscle contractions in the tube walls.

By studying tubes from mice, Professor Ward and his team discovered that caffeine stops the actions of specialised pacemaker cells in the wall of the tubes. These cells coordinate tube contractions so that when they are inhibited, eggs can’t move down the tubes. In fact these muscle contractions play a bigger role than the beating cilia in moving the egg towards the womb. “This provides an intriguing explanation as to why women with high caffeine consumption often take longer to conceive than women who do not consume caffeine,” says Professor Ward.

Discovering the link between caffeine consumption and reduced fertility has benefits. “As well as potentially helping women who are finding it difficult to get pregnant, a better understanding of the way Fallopian tubes work will help doctors treat pelvic inflammation and sexually-transmitted disease more successfully,” says Professor Ward. It could also increase our understanding of what causes ectopic pregnancy, an extremely painful and potentially life-threatening situation in which embryos get stuck and start developing inside a woman’s Fallopian tube.

Sources: Wiley-Blackwell, AlphaGalileo Foundation.

Please Don’t Leave Me…

Well hello ladies, hope you’ve all enjoyed your weekend (I know some of you haven’t, I read your blogs, and if you had a crappy weekend then that sucks and I’m sorry).

I miss Mr. MLACS waaaaay more than I thought I would. I’m going to try not to whine about it too much, because this is something I’m just going to have to get used to–we’re planning for him to continue this job with this schedule for at least 13 more months (gone 1/2 the month). It will really set us up financially. But in the meantime, I got a job! Yep, sure did. I will be doing clerical work (check-in, check-out) in a busy medical office. And the cool thing, is that I only work 3 days a week but it’s full time so I get benefits–the secondary insurance should cover all my co-pays (of course, I’ll have to look into that before I enroll, because if it’s crappy insurance I may be better off not enrolling). I don’t start until December though, which leaves me with a lot of time to miss Mr. MLACS in November.

So it’s just me and the cat. And I’m trying to corral my girlfriends to hang out with me–even bribing them with food if they’ll come over for dinner. It worked: I have dinner dates for Mon/Tues/Thur this week. Good thing they’ll accept food as a bribe, since Mr. MLACS doesn’t get paid until December (no paycheck for November and he didn’t work in October while waiting for his stupid HR to get his visa approved) and we are briggity-broke until the December paycheck. Oh, and we might have just squeaked by, until the IRS seized my husband’s account, saying he owed 2009 and 2010 taxes. I don’t know if what they did is even legal, but luckily my husband’s accountants are all over it and got most of it straightened out–except the IRS is haggling over $1700 and won’t release that money yet (the accountants showed them the records that Mr. MLACS paid but the IRS says they can’t find their record of it! This is SO unfair!) This is money we were counting on to pay our bills!

But what is life without some sort of drama??? And life has blessed me, because I never have to self-create my problems (don’t you hate people that have so few problems they have to conjure drama in order to have something to b*tch about? So mundane!) Well life just hands drama/problems to me, so I never have to work myself into a frenzy over nothing, oh no, there’s always something legit for me to freak out about. Always a hot potato for me to juggle. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if everything just got easy all of a sudden. Seriously, “easy” just isn’t meant for me, and I accept that. But I don’t have to like it.

You may or may not give a crap about any of the above, but I’ll include this update on my procreational efforts: I might be pregnant. Or I might not. I have no f*ing clue. I had sex EOD a week before ovulation, then 2 days in a row (day before and day of positive OPK), and then I had sex EOD until Mr. MLACS took off. And so I’m sure there were like 600 million sperm there (given that Mr. MLACS is an overachiever) and I’m confident that they met the egg–I have not doubt. But we all know, that a fertilized egg doesn’t equal a pregnancy. And really, I’m not feeling a sense of urgency to be pregnant this month, since we’re calling it a “break” cycle (unmedicated). This month, I’m actually more afraid of being pregnant–the fear of losing it, rather than the fear of disappointment from a negative HPT. Every month is different, and last month I felt the opposite (desperate for pregnancy, less concerned about RPL). I don’t bother symptom-spotting anymore since I started taking the progesterone supplements and they give me ALL the symptoms.

Also, I’m feeling quite invested in the IF/RPL community and I’m nervous that I’ll become pregnant and become irrelevant, or rather, I will only be relevant to IF’ers who are now pregnant. I promise two things if I am pregnant: 1. I will still write regularly, and it won’t just be about pregnancy and expectant mother stuff. 2. I will not talk about the magic of an ultrasound, or any unicorn and rainbows crap–I will be living in fear and guilt and I will tell you all about it. My husband will be gone half the time. I will still have to have to take 20 pills a day, including several Class B drugs (guilt, oh so much guilt). I’ll be trying to hide all of this from the doctors I work for. I’m sure people will say all sorts of belligerent sh*t to me. I won’t post ‘bump’ pics or tell you ‘baby is the size of a prune’. Promise. Please don’t leave me (if I get pregnant before you). Please, I’m begging you. And I promise I will be there for you, too, no matter what. I will celebrate your good times and I will cry (I sincerely cry when I read your sad posts) when bad things happen and I will (I do) feel as though they’re happening to me too. *sniffle* Love you guys. Mean it.