Into The Great Wide Open

“Into the great wide open
Under them skies of blue
Out in the great wide open
A rebel without a clue”

These are lyrics from the song “Into The Great Wide Open” by Tom Petty.

I just went to lunch with a group of 5 girlfriends, 3 of whom I know well and 2 of which I feel comfortable enough to have ‘girl talk’ with. One of them is 6 months pregnant, and another one had her 4 month old son with her–he’s adorable and I enjoyed holding him and playing with him. But as we all sat down, the conversation began with everybody gushing over the pregnant one, talking about their own prior pregnancies, and then…talking about who plans to have a baby next. Only ONE of them knows my story, as she and I are very close and I’ve told her about the shots in my ass this week. I was quiet for a few minutes, but finally I just blurted out “Well we are trying to have a baby–and by trying I mean TRYING HARD–and I’ve had two losses already this year.” Let me tell you, that if you want a group of gossiping women to STFU real quick, tell them that. They all looked at me, especially the pregnant one, and I could tell they felt bad. The pregnant one and the one with the 4 month old both offered that they had endured recent miscarriages before their recent successful pregnancies. I hope I don’t regret saying something to them. But you know, I wouldn’t be true to myself if I didn’t. I want people to know about infertility and miscarriage. I want people to understand. I want to be able to talk about my loss at the same table with people celebrating pregnancy/children, without feeling like we are on two different sides of the fence. I think it’s possible, but we (Infertility and RPL sufferers) cannot expect to cross that bridge unless we build it ourselves. So I’m over here with my bricks and my mortar….beginning to come “out of the closet” and into the great wide open with my infertility and health struggles…Don’t get me wrong I’m not ready to stand up with a bullhorn or see myself on a billboard but telling a group of women is a start, right?

In other news, the f*ing copious amounts of gel that Dr. Angel uses on the dildocam, combined with the whacky hormones seems to be giving me a yeast infection. Gross much?! It’s not bothersome (itchy or smelly) but it is visible, so before we began our daily probing, I mentioned warned Dr. Angel of my situation and asked him if this might be common during infertility treatments and monitoring and if it was necessary to treat it. His answers were: YES it’s common, particularly because the hormones I’ve been taking can change the PH of the vagina. And NO, I don’t need to treat it at this time. Icky, but manageable.

Next, he said my follies appeared “squished”, because they are getting bigger. However, neither of the follies on my left side measured much bigger than yesterday, which makes me want to double my dose of Bravelle, but Dr. Angel thinks they are fine and the measurements are ‘off’ because the follies are smooshed–which I could see that, because whereas they were previously spherical in shape, they had become more oblong. My uterine lining is at about ‘6’. The cyst on the right side has continued to shrink, which of course is a good thing. Speaking of good things…

I get to pick up Mr. MLACS from the airport tomorrow!!! I’m so excited to see him! But I have SO MUCH I want to finish around the house before he arrives! Before he left I told him that the reason I hadn’t been unpacking and organizing is because he was in the way–which was quite true–but he’s been gone for 3 weeks. Of course in my defense, one of those weeks was spent working and worrying at the new job. Then this week has been all about the dildocam and other facets of our IUI cycle. But honestly, I have procrastinated. XO


16 thoughts on “Into The Great Wide Open

  1. Oh you are so strong. I couldn’t have handled that without tears. When I was reading that first part, I just pictured myself in that situation-crying and getting up to leave. I am so glad you said something, but you’re right I’m sure it shut them up REAL fast! Who cares though. You’re right.. we need to start speaking out. Why the hell is this so taboo anyway? Who started that damn-wait until you’re 3 months to tell anyone-rule anyway?!? Ugh (sorry about that rant)

    Anyway, I hope your follicle did grow. That sounds promising and I’m so glad your cyst is shrinking! Enjoy spending time with your husband! I’m sure you are so happy for him to be home!

    • Not gonna lie, the tears came rushing toward the surface when I said it, but I manage to swallow them before they escaped. And yeah, WHY is it taboo? Three out of 6 women at our table had experienced miscarriages, that is 50% of the women at my table. Yet no one brought it up except for me–and when I did the other miscarriage survivors were happy to speak up. I guess it’s that whole “be the change you want to see in the world” thing. But on your own terms, of course. XOXO

  2. Ooh ooh! Ask them to use non-latex covers for the wand. I had that problem a few years ago. You may be allergic and this is how your vag is telling you. Now I have none of that. Other problems, but none of the yeast infections that I got when having business time every other day PLUS latex up the hooha. PS. Good for you for coming out of the IF closet. I think it’s always for the better.

    • Ooh ooh! I gave them too much credit–I took for granted that they wouldn’t be using latex ‘condoms’ on the wand because so many people are sensitive (like ME for instance!) Good point, thank you–I will ask Dr. Angel about it tomorrow. XO

  3. I love that you’re being open about it all! If it weren’t for people like us, those who haven’t struggled or haven’t tried may just think they can get impregnanted as easily as they can find a fast food joint off any major freeway in the U.S. Spread the word sister! Proud of you as always!

    • Steph you give me too much credit! My blog is annonymous & I haven’t even begun to explain to most ppl what is ‘trying HARD’ really entails. You are the real daredevil cuz you put it ALL out there–but I’m trying…like…dog paddling with floaties. XO Love you

  4. Yay for Mr. MLACS coming home! And hooray for the cysts shrinking! I’m glad the yeast infection isn’t itchy or smelly. That itching is unbearable! I just always feel so disgusted with myself when I get a yeast infection…and even though it’s not warranted, I get crazy embarassed. There is absolutely no reason for that because I know it’s not because I’m dirty or wearing pants that are too tight. More than anything, I want to tell you how brave you are! I’m so proud that you talked about your losses and TTC with those ladies. You may have just made it easier for those other two ladies who had losses to speak up when they need support. You’re an IF rockstar! 🙂

    • *Blushing* Awe that’s nice of you to say so–but girl I’m totally not a rockstar! Not compared to you and other people who share everything on your blogs–that takes guts. And I get embarrassed by yeast infections too! But you know, at least this time it’s for a good cause 🙂

  5. Good for you for coming out with it! I have definitely bitten my tongue in previous situations, and sometimes afterwards I wish I’d taken the chance to just bare all. So glad your husband is home!

  6. I’m glad that you felt like you could open up to those ladies and share your story. It always helps me to hear stories of hope after a loss because it gives ME hope. I hope that you felt the same way, because I feel like it is going to happen for you very soon.

    I am also glad to hear that the cyst is shrinking. AWESOME NEWS. Not so awesome – the yeast infection. I had one last week because of my husband’s deposits. I guess our lady parts just hate being moist all of the time. Did your doctor prescribe you some Diflucan? That always seems to help me when I get those horrid things. I hope you and the hubby have a great time reuniting! I know you are so looking forward to him coming home. 😀

    • Hi Mel! Yes I definitely feel more “normal” and less like a defective human being when I hear that other “normal” women have also experienced loss. And I mentioned the Diflucan, but I find the side effects are gnarly so it’s not my go-to treatment, but something I would consider if I needed to–thanks for the suggestion 🙂 So happy hubby is home now!

  7. You are so brave to open up to those women. I don’t like that they went through m/c too, but for your sake I’m glad they could actually relate instead of just looking at you like you were crazy or something. So many times, it’s hard to find people who even relate at all.

    As for the YI, I’ve gotten one or two from estrogen before. As if you need that to add to the list! I found a fantastic probiotic that works wonders when you feel one coming on. It’s called Ultimate Flora Women’s Complete Probiotic (90 billion). I’m guessing it has enough probiotic strains to be the equivalent of 100 yogurts in one pill or something…stuff is phenomenal! A little pricey, but worth it to keep everything balanced down there. Carried in most health food stores and some grocery stores in the fridge section.

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