Oh My Heavens It’s SO BIG!

I feel absolutely INSANE.

I finally saw Dr. Angel yesterday afternoon (after “Super Soul Sunday”) and I warned him that I might start crying and if I did then he should understand that he’s not hurting me, I am just crazy, and it’s not his fault–so please don’t take it personally. And he smiled and told me that this was only the beginning and the hormones will get worse on the Bravelle. FML. And then he looked at my ovaries with the dildocam. Left ovary had two juicy follicles he measured (no idea what the measurements are in “infertility speak” cuz e’rybody always talks about triggering when their dominant follicles are “over 15”, etc. and I didn’t ask him to convert his measurements for me). And the right ovary had one juicy follicle but it was oddly shaped and appeared to have something protruding into it…Dr. Angel said, quote, “It may be a hemorrhagic cyst or something.” No mf*ing clue what “or something” may be. I remembered to bring the drugs and paraphernalia with me, expecting that Dr. Angel would teach me how to do the Bravelle shots. But he flipped the script on me and said he’d like for me to begin Bravelle tomorrow (today) so that he can see, quote, “If those follicles are leftover from the last cycle or if they are from this cycle.” I asked him how he would be able to tell and he said, quote, “If the follicles are new, then they should increase in size, but if they are old then they probably won’t.” Well, ok then. He offered to keep my Bravelle and accoutrements at his office, and I was glad because that’s one less thing for me to worry about. And I left, went home, and took my last Femara tablet.

I returned to Dr. Angel’s office today to have another US and (finally) get my first Bravelle shot. I gotta ask you guys, have you ever sat in a chair in the OBGYN or RE’s office that raises you up and tips you back so that you’re practically upside down and your lady parts are in the air at eye-level with your practitioner? The ultrasounds yesterday and today were my first experiences with this fancy chair, and I don’t hate it but it’s weird as hell, don’t you think? Just sayin’. So anyways, Dr. Angel first looks at my left ovary and measures the 2 follicles from yesterday, and I notice they have grown–hooray, they are “new”! And then…he looked at my right ovary…and WTF??? The potential ‘hemorrhagic cyst’ from yesterday that had been about the same size as the other two follicles now seemed to be taking up my entire f*ing ovary! I was like…”Um…is that seriously the follicle from yesterday?!” And he didn’t say much, he was just clicking away taking measurements and he even made a 3D color image of my ovary to get a better look. I was like, “Whoa dude, this looks bad, is it bad??” And he was like, “Nah, it looks like a hemorrhagic cyst”. And I was like “But from what I’ve read about other people’s cycles, the cycles get canceled when they have a cyst! Is this cyst gonna mess up my cycle?” And he was like, “No it won’t cancel your cycle.” And I was like “Cool–my right ovary can be delinquent as long as my left ovary is still in the game.” But really, I’m like, what the hell is wrong with my ovary??? I’m over here wondering if my Remicade + Clomid cycles have given me ovarian cancer or some sh*t. And when I think I might have ovarian cancer, the first thing that pops into my mind is “Please Lord, let Dr. Angel ignore my ovarian cancer and let me get pregnant and have a baby before I die, Amen.” I am such a whack job.

Then, it was FINALLY time for me to get that Bravelle shot. And all along I was thinking I would give it to myself in my stomach. But Dr. Angel is pointing at his butt saying “So you’ll want to make sure you don’t hit your sciatic nerve…” and I’m thinking…”Damn, how the hell am I s’posd to give myself a shot in my ass”…I’m flexible but this seems unrealistic/unfair. And then…I see this GIANT MF*ING NEEDLE and I’m like “Lord Jesus are you serious?! Is THAT the needle?! How big is that??!” And Dr. Angel is just showing me how to mix the Bravelle with the filler solution but I am not even paying attention because I’m too busy looking at this ridiculously HUGE needle. It’s a good thing I’m not a curious person and I hadn’t examined the contents of the box Freedom Pharmacy sent except to make sure the meds were there, cuz I might’ve changed my damn mind. I asked Dr. Angel what size needle that was, hoping that my eyes were deceiving me, but he said “23” and my face fell–it really is as big as it looks. I was still pants-less holding a sheet around me as I’m watching Dr. Angel get the shot ready, and finally it was time and I held the sheet awkwardly with one hand (so Dr. Angel had access to my buttock) and grabbed the counter with the other hand…and…it wasn’t that bad. But I’m gonna be straight with you: my ass is still sore from it. And for the record I’m not afraid of needles–been stuck countless times for bloodwork and IV’s and even had Botox on my face a few times (don’t judge me), but those needles were child’s play compared to this one. Damn. Luckily, I have to have an ultrasound every day and I’m only taking the Bravelle 75iu once a day, so I looked at Dr. Angel and said “I will seriously pay you extra if you will give me these shots.”

Can I also mention (of course I can but you don’t have to read it if you don’t want to) that my Dad has a girlfriend. Any of you out there whose Mom/Dad passed away and you’ve had to deal with your living parent dating while also dealing with the loss of your other parent? Well…it’s been rough. My sister openly HATES the girlfriend and will have NOTHING to do with her. I’ve been living away from home for most of this time so I only have to see her occasionally because she lives 2 hours away and they alternate weekends (he goes there, she comes here). I don’t like her, but I don’t hate her. However, the girlfriend has two sons and they seem to really like my Dad. And these sons have small children of their own. And…all of a sudden lately ALL my Dad talks about when he comes home from visiting the girlfriend is playing with her adorable grandchildren. Today, he even told me what he intends to get each of her grandchildren for Christmas! Can somebody PLEASE take the dagger giant syringe out of my still-beating heart?! And he fuggin’ knows exactly what I’m going through–I’ve told him everything. He’s just stupid. That is all. XO


Syringe to the Heart

28 thoughts on “Oh My Heavens It’s SO BIG!

  1. Ovarian cancer! Girlfriends! Gifts for unrelated grandchildren! Oh my! You’ve had an eventful 24 hours since your last post. I’m wondering if your butt is still sore because he used such a large needle? My bravelle didn’t hurt at all after each injection, so I’m assuming the needle is what did it to you. As for that scary chair, never heard of it, but I pictured you face down with your naked butt up in the air. Not that your butt isn’t beautiful, but I was horrified at the thought of my own butt displayed like that. Absolutely horrified. Moving on… I hope all is okay with that wacky sounding cyst and that your ovaries continue to grow grow grow and produce amazing eggs!

    • No clue Steph, but I’m telling you: I wouldn’t have stuck myself with that needle, that is for damn sure. And the chair is face-up–it looks sort of like a dentist chair except there are stirrups and goes up and then tilts you backwards so you’re laying face-up with your hoo-ha eye level with the doc (who is sitting down in a chair maneuvering the chair and dildocam). Complicated eh? XO

  2. So sorry about your ovary doing some funky things… The comment “Please Lord, let Dr. Angel ignore my ovarian cancer and let me get pregnant and have a baby before I die, Amen.” I actually laughed out loud 🙂 I’m so glad they are not canceling your cycle. The shot in butt is scary! Luckily you had it done by a professional. 🙂

    Sorry about your dad too. I don’t have experience with this, but I know that it is hard for you. Hugs…

  3. *And when I think I might have ovarian cancer, the first thing that pops into my mind is “Please Lord, let Dr. Angel ignore my ovarian cancer and let me get pregnant and have a baby before I die, Amen.”*
    Coming from someone who HAD cancer – I STILL have these thoughts. It’s a serious illness.
    I have an endometrioma (thought it was a hemorraghic cyst initially, but it’s been there since June). As long as they don’t get bigger than a certain size, my RE does not care about them (and quite frankly, neither is my oncologist concerned). Pseudo-step-grandchildren, however, are, as you said, giant PITAs. Can you tell your dad you would rather hear about something/anything else besides them? Good luck with the Bravelle! I am curious about how you handle it, I may be using it sometime soon…

    • Wow, you are a strong woman to have dealt with cancer and now this BS. I was being dramatic (not trying to minimize cancer–it scares the sh*t outta me) but I do honestly feel like I would trade my life to have a baby (pure insanity? or primal instinct?) Thanks for the info on the ovarian cyst and endometrioma (cuz I was wondering what “something else” might be and now I can google obsessively). I will keep you updated on the Bravelle. And as for my Dad, if I can’t take it then I’ll level with him but he will go back to the girlfriend and gossip like a queen…at this point it’s easier to ignore it with him (and b*tch about it to you). XO

  4. Dildocam hahahahha! You are absolutely not a whack job! I feel your decision/pain on that!

    He is stupid and ignorant at the same time. He wants to connect and show she’s a human but damn! Can’t he see that this is a dagger!! I feel like (and my counselor has told me) people need to be educated about grief and this process and what comes along with all of it.

    • My Dad is an odd duck–really sensitive himself but yet not perceptive of other’s feelings at all. He can be very sweet or very bitter. There was a time before my Mom passed that I thought I would never speak to him again. But I try to just take him with a grain of salt cuz he’s not going to change (believe me, I’ve tried and I have scars from banging my head against a brick wall). Thank goodness I have the blogosphere! XO

      • I hear ya! I would welcome banging my head into a brick wall instead of dealing with some of the people I have to deal with. At least then I could contribute it to something I did!

  5. Wow, what a day you’ve had. I think I’m a whack job too because I totally get the baby as a trade for cancer thing (but like you said, not minimizing cancer, it just shows how insane I actually am). I’m also an enormous baby when it comes to shots and tables that shove my ass in anyone’s (even a qualified medical professional’s) face, so I’m thoroughly impressed you survived that.

  6. Thank you for writing about your yucky day in a way that made me LOL. Dildocam is my new favorite word. And I hope to never, ever encounter one of those chairs. The stirrups are undignified enough.

  7. Oh girl you crack me up! I giggled so much reading this. I’m sorry about your dad’s comment. I’m sure he didn’t mean it to hurt but I can certainly imagine how horrible that was to hear. Ouch. I’m glad the shot wasn’t too bad….oh and I’m totally judging you for shooting botchulism into your face haha. 🙂 Keep us in the loop about the weird cyst/ovary. I’m really curious.

    • You know it wasn’t so bad the first time…but then he talks about teaching little ‘XY’ how to play guitar, because ‘XY’ loves to listen to him playing the guitar (my Dad is a musician)…and now he’s coming home telling me about each of the (4) grandkids and what he’s getting them for Christmas “Oh little ‘XX’ always carries a little purse and she loves pink so I’m going to buy her a pink purse!” God it’s such a double-edged sword cuz it’s cute and I’m glad to see his eyes sparkle but WHY does it have to be over girlfriend’s grandkids?! Ok I’m gonna shut up cuz you get the point. XO

  8. Bahaha! Yes, I have been in that fancy chair, although only for IVF transfers. It is quite disarming when your hoohah is that far up in the docs face, esp. when there are multiple nurses looking on as well. Talk about a draft on your lady parts!

    I hope your dad will get it together and realize how much those comments can hurt with all you’re going through. Men!

  9. My mom isn’t ‘dead, but my dad has a girlfriend with grandkids that he obsesses over too, and he is also aware that my lady parts are broken. So I totally feel you on that one. Also, I get ovarian cysts sometimes as a result of fertility drugs, so don’t panic! I’m sure it’s not ovarian cancer!

    • Ok yeah the whole ‘my parent dotes on somebody else’s kids while I’m desperately trying to have my own’ thing is painful no matter what the situation. It’s lame. And thank you for your info about your cysts! XO

      • You’re welcome! The other day my dad showed me pictures of him and his gf teaching the granddaughter how to ride a bike. He had to push OUR family dinner back an hour because of it. I’m not saying he can’t be excited about sharing those experiences, but a little sensitivity and consideration towards your own family first seems to be in order.

  10. Wow – that sounds like an interesting doctor visit! So sorry about the cyst, but I’m thrilled it won’t cancel your cycle. Oh…and I know just what you mean about the cancer thoughts. I’ve had the very same ones and have even asked God to let me have another baby before I died from it, too. LOL!

    And sorry about your dad. I don’t know how that feels, but I do know that my dad has forsaken his very own children because of a woman. Not that your dad is doing that, but men definitely think differently than women do. I pray that he will come to his senses and consider how you and your sister feel. Hugs.

  11. Your reaction to the cyst was exactly my reaction. Of course if you ask Dr Google about ovary cysts it tells you that you’re doomed and going to die. I had two cysts – one on each ovary, one burst and the other remained small. I think as long as it doesn’t grow big you’ll be ok. My Dr didn’t seem concerned by it and my cycle continued.

    As for for your dad dating – that must be real tough to watch. I’m sorry 😦

  12. Holy crap! Talk about a stressful day! I’m glad our doctor didn’t cancel your cycle. I had to wait a couple cycles because of cysts. I have no idea why some doctors cancel and others don’t, but I’m sure he wouldn’t proceed if he thought it would be a problem. And if he even suspected cancer, I’m certain he would have cancelled the cycle and sent you for higher quality imaging like an MRI so I’m sure it’s just a cyst that will resolve itself and go a way on it’s own. I feel for you with that needle. I have had to do a lot of shots and have a lot to do this week, but thankfully all of them are in the abdomen, even the trigger. So much easier! You poor thing! I hope your doctor agreed to administer them for you? Lastly shame on your dad! Seriously?!! I wonder sometimes if people think at all before they speak! Hang in there hon! Fingers crossed this work and this is your cycle!

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