Please Don’t Leave Me…

Well hello ladies, hope you’ve all enjoyed your weekend (I know some of you haven’t, I read your blogs, and if you had a crappy weekend then that sucks and I’m sorry).

I miss Mr. MLACS waaaaay more than I thought I would. I’m going to try not to whine about it too much, because this is something I’m just going to have to get used to–we’re planning for him to continue this job with this schedule for at least 13 more months (gone 1/2 the month). It will really set us up financially. But in the meantime, I got a job! Yep, sure did. I will be doing clerical work (check-in, check-out) in a busy medical office. And the cool thing, is that I only work 3 days a week but it’s full time so I get benefits–the secondary insurance should cover all my co-pays (of course, I’ll have to look into that before I enroll, because if it’s crappy insurance I may be better off not enrolling). I don’t start until December though, which leaves me with a lot of time to miss Mr. MLACS in November.

So it’s just me and the cat. And I’m trying to corral my girlfriends to hang out with me–even bribing them with food if they’ll come over for dinner. It worked: I have dinner dates for Mon/Tues/Thur this week. Good thing they’ll accept food as a bribe, since Mr. MLACS doesn’t get paid until December (no paycheck for November and he didn’t work in October while waiting for his stupid HR to get his visa approved) and we are briggity-broke until the December paycheck. Oh, and we might have just squeaked by, until the IRS seized my husband’s account, saying he owed 2009 and 2010 taxes. I don’t know if what they did is even legal, but luckily my husband’s accountants are all over it and got most of it straightened out–except the IRS is haggling over $1700 and won’t release that money yet (the accountants showed them the records that Mr. MLACS paid but the IRS says they can’t find their record of it! This is SO unfair!) This is money we were counting on to pay our bills!

But what is life without some sort of drama??? And life has blessed me, because I never have to self-create my problems (don’t you hate people that have so few problems they have to conjure drama in order to have something to b*tch about? So mundane!) Well life just hands drama/problems to me, so I never have to work myself into a frenzy over nothing, oh no, there’s always something legit for me to freak out about. Always a hot potato for me to juggle. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if everything just got easy all of a sudden. Seriously, “easy” just isn’t meant for me, and I accept that. But I don’t have to like it.

You may or may not give a crap about any of the above, but I’ll include this update on my procreational efforts: I might be pregnant. Or I might not. I have no f*ing clue. I had sex EOD a week before ovulation, then 2 days in a row (day before and day of positive OPK), and then I had sex EOD until Mr. MLACS took off. And so I’m sure there were like 600 million sperm there (given that Mr. MLACS is an overachiever) and I’m confident that they met the egg–I have not doubt. But we all know, that a fertilized egg doesn’t equal a pregnancy. And really, I’m not feeling a sense of urgency to be pregnant this month, since we’re calling it a “break” cycle (unmedicated). This month, I’m actually more afraid of being pregnant–the fear of losing it, rather than the fear of disappointment from a negative HPT. Every month is different, and last month I felt the opposite (desperate for pregnancy, less concerned about RPL). I don’t bother symptom-spotting anymore since I started taking the progesterone supplements and they give me ALL the symptoms.

Also, I’m feeling quite invested in the IF/RPL community and I’m nervous that I’ll become pregnant and become irrelevant, or rather, I will only be relevant to IF’ers who are now pregnant. I promise two things if I am pregnant: 1. I will still write regularly, and it won’t just be about pregnancy and expectant mother stuff. 2. I will not talk about the magic of an ultrasound, or any unicorn and rainbows crap–I will be living in fear and guilt and I will tell you all about it. My husband will be gone half the time. I will still have to have to take 20 pills a day, including several Class B drugs (guilt, oh so much guilt). I’ll be trying to hide all of this from the doctors I work for. I’m sure people will say all sorts of belligerent sh*t to me. I won’t post ‘bump’ pics or tell you ‘baby is the size of a prune’. Promise. Please don’t leave me (if I get pregnant before you). Please, I’m begging you. And I promise I will be there for you, too, no matter what. I will celebrate your good times and I will cry (I sincerely cry when I read your sad posts) when bad things happen and I will (I do) feel as though they’re happening to me too. *sniffle* Love you guys. Mean it.

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15 thoughts on “Please Don’t Leave Me…

  1. I so get this: “I’m actually more afraid of being pregnant–the fear of losing it, rather than the fear of disappointment from a negative HPT.” I swear sometimes it feels like I’m reading my own writing. I also won’t leave you if you are pregnant (lol). You should (although scared) enjoy every moment of pregnancy if you are pregnant again- I wrote a post about this topic (pregnancy after losses) but I’m not sure it will be posted… I sort of feel that it doesn’t hurt any less (excited or worried/protecting yourself from getting excited) and you should probably just let yourself enjoy every minute hoping it lasts 9 months with a baby in your arms and if it doesn’t you’ll know you did everything you could to help your baby. I also promise you that I am hoping this happens for you. Anyone that doesn’t feel like that should unfollow your blog. Thinking about you. Hoping you have a great week.

  2. I will most definitely still be reading when you are pregnant! I can pretty much always live without the ‘baby is the size of a prune’ updates, but if you change your mind I won’t hold it against you either :). If and when it happens you get to enjoy it how ever you want to.

    • Thank you–I don’t really mind when people talk about their pregnancies, but I don’t just come here to get support–it’s every bit as important to me to give support (in the form of not antagonizing IF’ers). Plus I’m just not compelled to talk about pregnancy that way–even if I was in wonderment that my embryo was the size of a pumpkin seed, I’d still have to play it cool and act ambivalent (my insecurity wouldn’t allow a PDA). You are SO sweet and I do appreciate your support!

  3. I’m not going anywhere…even if you did a weekly update of how big your little baby MLACS is. IFers need support during pregnancy since so many of us have had miscarriages. And even if we haven’t, after dealing with IF, pregnancy can be scary since we don’t know if it will last, or if this is normal, etc. Sending you Love, patience, serenity, and frugality. I hope all of your drama clears up soon Dear.

  4. Congratulations on the new job! I would so love to get a job three days a week with full time status. That’s so great for you! I really hope that you are pregnant – it sounds like you gave it a good chance this month for sure. I’m not going anywhere. I am always so happy for my online friends who get pregnant and those in real life, too. But expecially my online buddies! I am not going anywhere. And I don’t mind if you post bump pictures – it gives me hope to see it. Speaking for myself, of course. Good luck! I really hope this is your month!!

  5. I tell you what. When I hear of some pregnancies, I feel like someone has kicked me. When I think about seeing pregnancy announcements on the blogs of my new friends, I get very excited. I can’t wait. Hoping this is the cycle!

  6. I hope when you get your BFP that you will celebrate however you see fit! We your loyal readers won’t leave you as a result! Not that I’m 100% in the clear yet, but I remember when I’d read BFP announcements and be thrilled. They gave me sooooo much hope. After all, we’re all here because we struggle with something that makes our circumstances not ideal for baby making. When someone FINALLY overcomes, I’m moved to tears almost every time. Hoping to shed many happy ones for you this month, next month, or whenever your rainbow comes! Love ya. xoxoxoxox

    • Thanks Steph–you are so very brave in choosing to be 100% transparent on your blog, so your readers wouldn’t accept anything less from you. And you’re honestly happy for everybody when they get their BFP’s. I’m lucky to know you IRL because you are even more awesome in-person than on paper–with most people it’s the opposite.
      And here I am, hiding like a hermit crab over here in the corner, totally anonymous (not transparent). And what’s the point of that if not to allow me to be perfectly honest? To be honest, the reason I wrote this is because one of the bloggers I was following flipped the script when she got preggers and posted pics of her gestational sac and basically said “You’ve all been great, bye!” at 6w2d pregnant. I was disgusted. How, after everything she had been through, could she have the audacity to just say “tah tah, I’ll probly start a pregnancy blog now” before she even reached the first trimester?? And the way she gushed over her ultrasound…omg I just wanted to smack her. So yeah, since I’m anonymous (except to you) I guess I should just put it out there: when bloggers I’ve followed act like THAT, I just can’t hit the delete button fast enough. There you go, there’s the dirty secret behind this post. I am not happy for all IF bloggers who get pregnant. I am picky about who I’m happy for. I am not as nice as you and the rest of these ladies. There, I said it. But don’t worry, I didn’t say anything to her, because it is her choice to walk on clouds with her BFP and it is my choice to unfollow her journey. Right??

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