Here’s how it happened: Mr. MLACS and I decided to take one of those CBD tests last night after a 3 hour hold…my urine was voluminous, fairly dark and concentrated…I pee’d in a cup and dipped the stick, and we waited…Mr. MLACS kept teasing me & running toward the bathroom to look before me–I hated that–but finally we both saw…NOT PREGNANT flashing across the screen.
Then, we masochistically watched the movie “Marley and Me”, about a couple (Jen Aniston + Owen Wilson) and their dog named Marley. In the movie, Jen has one early miscarriage but then goes on to pop out 3 kids effortlessly, and Marley dies. I cried harder about Jen Aniston having babies than I did about good ‘ol Marley passing away–where are MY babies?!
After “Marley and Me” we needed to cheer up, so we went to Walgreens and bought 2 pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream…and a pack of FRER’s so I wouldn’t have to see “Not Pregnant” next time I test. Came home and got ‘ice cream wasted’ while watching “Star Trek” the movie (cable cannot be installed until Wed) and we passed out…
Woke up, took a FRER, and–you guessed it–BIG FAT NEGATIVE.
I’m tired of it. The f*ing hormones. The hoping. Everybody else saying “oh it’ll happen” or “I’m sure you’re pregnant”. I don’t want to discuss ttc anymore. I don’t want anybody’s fingers crossed for me. I want to go back to the days when we weren’t ttc and my happiness didn’t hinge on one line vs. two lines. When my friend’s pregnancy announcement on facebook didn’t gut me because my EDD for miscarriage #2 is 2 weeks after hers. I want to rewind to a time when all the pictures of babies and kids on facebook made me feel included instead of left out.
To summarize, I officially WON’T be pregnant next weekend as we observe the EDD for Micarriage #1 on October 12th. I officially DIDN’T get that oh-so-special gift from beyond the grave from my Mother. I CAN’T keep going like this…I have to enroll in classes again, plan trips with my husband, focus on my health, and generally re-align myself physically, mentally, and spiritually.
My period is due Wednesday–and don’t you dare say “Oh well fingers crossed until the witch shows!” Because here’s what: if you get a BFN on a FRER at 13dpo, there’s a 99% chance you are NOT pregnant. There’s no reason to ‘cross your fingers’–it’s OVER. Thanks for playing, try again.